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PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 
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LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


PATENT  APPLIED 

FORA  Play  in  One  Act  by 
LAWRENCE  LANGNER 


Published  by  EGMONT  ARENS  at  the 

WASHINGTO^  SQUARE  BOOK  SHOP  m  New  York 

1918 


PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 


Copyright  1918  by 

LAWRENCE   LANGNER 

All   Rights    Reserved 


The  professional  and  amateur  stage 
rights  on  this  play  are  strictly  reserved 
by  the  author.  Applications  for  permis 
sion  to  produce  the  play  should  be 
made  to  the  publisher. 


PATENT  APPLIED 

FOR  A  Play  in  One  Act  by 
LAWRENCE  LANGNER 


Published  by  EGMONT  ARENS  at  the 

WASHINGTON  SQUARE  BOOK  SHOP  a  New  York 

1918 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

was  presented  at  the  meeting  of 

THE  PATENT  LAW  ASSOCIATION  OF  CHICAGO 

November  15,  1917, 

with  the  following  distinguished  cast : 

AERON  PHIPPS,  a  patent  attorney  Frank  Parker  Davis 
JOHNSON,  a  law  clerk  -  -  -  -  -  John  B.  Macauley 
DORIS  DARLING,  a  stenographer  -  -  -  -  C.  F.  Murray 
TITUS  K.  BANGS,  an  inventor  -  -  -  Lynn  A.  Williams 
CORDELIA  WESTLEY,  a  corset  maker  -  -  John  A.  Dienner 
AMELIA  PHIPPS,  Phipps'  wife  -  -  -  Harvey  A.  Hanson 

Produced  by  BLANCHE  BANNISTER  ARND 
SCENE— PHIPPS'  OFFICE 


PATENT  APPLIED   FOR 


[Phipps'  office  is  just  like  any  other  office,  except  for  an 
accumulation  of  models  in  one  corner.  A  signed  portrait  of 
the  Commissioner  of  Patents,  and  a  hideous  picture  of  a 
building  labeled  "Patent  Office,  Washington,  D,  C."  are 
hanging  on  the  walls,  together  with  numerous  certificates 
issued  to  Mr.  Phipps,  from  high  school  graduation  to  mem 
bership  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  the  District  of  Columbia, 
all  arranged  to  impress  prospective  clients.  A  screen  con 
ceals  a  wash  basin  behind  the  desk,  center.  There  is  a  door — 
left. 

At  rise,  Phipps  is  at  his  desk,  reading  a  letter.  The  'phone 
bell  rings.} 

PHIPPS 

[Taking  phone.} 
Hello — Mrs.  Phipps  on  the  wire?     Yes — you  can  connect 

me — [sourly.}     Hello,   dear Well,   what  do  you 

want  ?  You  can't  hear  ?  I  can't  possibly  meet  you — I  simply 
can't.  I  shall  only  spend  fifteen  minutes  at  lunch,  anyway. 

I  can't  discuss  my  digestion  now — there  are  five 

people  in  this  room  waiting  for  me  to  finish  talking  to 
you — good-bye. 

[He  returns  to  his  papers;  presses  bell.  Enter  JOHNSON, 
a  middle-aged  law  clerk.  He  is  obviously  in  the  last 
stages  of  decay,  physically  and  mentally.] 

PHIPPS 

Johnson,  on  no  account  am  I  to  be  disturbed  for  the  next 
two  hours.  If  any  one  wants  to  see  me,  I'm  out. 


6  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

JOHNSON 
Very  well,  sir. 

PHIPPS 
Ask  Miss  Darling  to  come  in  with  her  book. 

[Exit  JOHNSON  ;  after  a  pause,  enter  Miss  DARLING,  a 
smartly-dressed  stenographer.  Her  manner  and  style 
indicate  that  she  has  a  wide  knowledge  of  life — prob 
ably  gathered  from  the  "Movies."  She  removes  a 
pencil  from  her  hair,  sits  at  desk,  places  a  piece  of 
gum  in  her  mouth  and  chews  complacently.} 

PHIPPS 

Miss  Darling — I  want  to  finish  dictating  my  brief  for  the 
Court  of  Appeals  in  the  White  River  Junction  Go's  case — 
it's  got  to  be  in  the  printer's  hands  by  four-thirty  this  after 
noon.  Where  were  we  when  I  left  off  dictating  last  night? 

Miss  DARLING 
[Sentimentally.} 

Why,  sir,  you  were  standing  over  there,  with  your  back  to 
the  window,  and  the  setting  sun  was  shining  over  your 
shoulders,  just  like 

PHIPPS 

Never  mind  about  the  setting  sun,  Miss  Darling — how  far 
had  I  gotten  in  the  brief — what  were  my  last  words  ? 

Miss  DARLING 
[Consulting  her  notes,} 

You  said — "What  does  the  defendant's  expert  know  about 
nuts?" 

PHIPPS 
That's  right — continue. 

[Miss  Darling  takes  his  dictation.  Phipps  stalks  about 
the  room,  is  carried  away  by  the  eloquence  of  his  ar 
guments,  and  begins  to  harangue  and  gesticulate  in 
the  most  approved  manner,  as  though  he  were  actually 
addressing  the  Court  of  Appeals  in  person.} 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  7 

PHIPPS 

What  does  the  defendant's  expert  know  about  nuts?  Abso 
lutely  nothing.  Yet  this  whole  case  hinges  upon  his  testi 
mony.  If  the  prior  structure  really  did  consist  of  a  bolt 
formed  with  a  peripheral  orifice  extending  laterally  to  a 
point  at  a  right  angle  to  a  radial  line  described  from  the 
central  axis  of  the  bolt,  as  defendant's  expert  states,  why 
did  the  prior  patentee,  when  he  was  placed  on  the  stand, 
admit  that  the  correct  term  to  use  was  not  "lateral"  but 
"transverse"  to  the  radius?  [With  emphasis.}  This  will 
be  perfectly  clear  to  the  Court.  The  whole  point  of  our  case 
is  this :  Was  a  nut  used,  or  was  a  collar  used  ?  We  contend 
that  a  collar  was  used,  and  that  the  Court  cannot  decide 
against  the  plaintiff,  because  there  is  absolutely  no  evidence 
whatsoever  of  a  nut  in  the  case.  [He  interrupts  himself.} 
Oh,  Miss  Darling,  change  that  last  so  that  it  reads  "there 
is  absolutely  no  evidence  whatsoever — so  far  as  the  records 
shozv — of  a  nut  in  the  case." 

[There  is  a  scuffle  outside.  Enter  TITUS  K.  BANGS, 
followed  by  JOHNSON,  who  tries  to  hold  him  back. 
BANGS,  though  slightly  insane,  is  an  enthusiastic  in 
ventor.  He  is  not  popular  in  PHIPPS''  office,  as  he 
never  pays  his  bills.  He  carries  an  immense  roll  of 
blueprints  under  his  arm.] 

BANGS 
Sorry  to  butt  in  on  you,  Mr.  Phipps 

PHIPPS 

I  can't  see  you  now,  Mr.  Bangs ;  I'm  in  the  middle  of  an  im 
portant  brief  that  must  be  out  by  four-thirty  this  afternoon. 

BANGS 

I  won't  take  up  a  minute  of  your  time,  Mr.  Phipps.  I've 
got  a  man  waiting  to  see  me  representing  a  syndicate  with 
over  five  hundred  thousand  dollars,  and  they're  crazy  to  do 
business  with  me. 

PHIPPS 
I'm  sorry,  but  I  can't  see  you. 


8  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

BANGS 

[Begins  to  unroll  blueprints  on  floor.] 
Yes,  sir.    They  are  crazy  to  do  business  with  me. 

PHIPPS 
They  must  be. 

BANGS 

This  drawing  shows  my  new  rat  exterminator.  The  most 
humane  thing  of  its  kind  ever  invented.  Kills  a  rat  so  gently, 
Mr.  Phipps,  it  doesn't  know  it's  dead,  so  to  speak,  until  it 
actually  is  dead.  I  want  you  to  prepare  a  patent  application 
on  it  immediately,  Mr.  Phipps.  I'm  getting  thousands  of 
letters  from  rat-catchers  all  over  the  country,  begging  for 
my  stuff,  but  not  one  bottle  will  they  get  until  my  applica 
tion  is  on  file. 

PHIPPS 

Well,  if  you  sell  it  in  bottles,  what  are  all  these  drawings 
for? 

BANGS 

Ah! — that's  where  I'm  smart.  This  is  the  greatest  money- 
making  scheme  you  ever  heard  of,  Mr.  Phipps.  Look  at 
this  stuff. 

[Pulls  out  a  bottle  from  his  pocket  and  hands  it  to 
PHIPPS,  who  smells  it] 

PHIPPS 
It  smells  like  whiskey. 

BANGS 

It  is  whiskey — that  is,  four-fifths  whiskey — the  rest  is  cyan 
ide  of  potassium.  The  rat  comes  up  to  this,  smells  the  whis 
key,  drinks  it,  becomes  intoxicated  and  then  dies — but  he 
dies  happy !  Isn't  that  humane  for  you  ? 

PHIPPS 
I'm  not  sure  it  isn't  immoral. 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  9 

BANGS 

Immoral?  How  can  a  rat  be  immoral?  But  we  have  to  be 
careful,  Mr.  Phipps.  I  admit  that  we  can't  sell  this  stuff  in 
the  Dry  States — or  if  the  country  should  go  dry. 

PHIPPS 
Why  not? 

BANGS 
There's  too  much  whiskey  in  it! 

PHIPPS 
But  it  can't  be  drunk,  with  all  that  poison  in  it. 

BANGS 
I  know — but  when  a  man  lives  in  a  dry  State,  he's  desperate 

—he'll  stop  at  nothing But  that's  where  I'm  smart. 

See  all  this  machinery  here?  [points  to  blueprints.]  This 
shows  my  new  humanitarian  rat-trap — that'll  fool  them  all 
right.  You  use  this  stuff  [points  to  bottle]  with  the  trap. 
I  want  you  to  patent  the  whole  shooting-match,  and  every 
bottle  I  put  out  I'm  going  to  mark  "patented."  They'll  never 
get  on  to  the  fact  that  it's  whiskey  then.  People  patent  med 
icine,  but  I  never  heard  of  anyone  patenting  whiskey. 

PHIPPS 

[Pointing  to  blueprints.] 
But  what's  all  this  machinery? 

BANGS 
I'll  explain  it  in  one  second. 

PHIPPS 

I  really  must  ask  you  to  leave  it  here.  I'll  see  you  next 
month. 

BANGS 
It  won't  take  but  a  second. 

PHIPPS 
I  can't  see  it  now.   I've  simply  got  to  finish  this  brief. 


10  PATENT   APPLIED    FOR 

BANGS 

But  the  Syndicate  of  Rat-Catchers  is  there  waiting  for  it 
with  five  hundred  thousand  dollars. 

PHIPPS 

[Taking  him  by  the  arm  and  throwing  him  out.] 
I  can't  help  that.   I'll  see  you  next  month. 

[Exit  BANGS.  PHIPPS  mops  his  brow;  rings  bell  Enter 
JOHNSON.] 

PHIPPS 
Why  did  you  let  that  driveling  idiot  in  here  ? 

JOHNSON 
He  pushed  past  me,  sir. 

[PHIPPS  goes  to  drawer,  pulls  out  a  revolver  and  hands 
it  to  JOHNSON.] 

PHIPPS 

Take  this — and   shoot  the  next  man   who  tries   to  inter 
rupt  me. 

JOHNSON 
But — sir 

PHIPPS 
Don't  get  fresh. 

JOHNSON 
If  I  do,  sir,  I'll  be  hanged. 

PHIPPS 

If  you  don't,  sir,  you'll  be  fired. 
[Exit  JOHNSON.] 

PHIPPS 

[To  Miss  DARLING.] 
Where  was  I? 

Miss  DARLING 

You  said  "there  is  absolutely  no  evidence  whatsoever,  so 
far  as  the  records  show,  of  a  nut  in  the  case." 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  11 

PHIPPS 

Yes — that's  it.  Continue.  The  Court,  in  considering  the 
testimony  of  defendant's  expert,  must  remember  that  he  is 
a  confounded  liar.  No — change  that.  Say:  The  Court 
must  remember  that  his  statements  are  not  always  made 
with  that  care — that  passion  for  accuracy — which  is  a  char 
acteristic  of  the  scientific  man,  and  while  no  imputations  are 
made,  yet  how  is  it  that  on  pages  [Consults  paper] — 664, 
726,  841  and  972  of  plaintiff's  records,  defendant's  expert  is 
actually  found  to  have  admitted  that  he  had  never  seen  one 
of  the  original  nuts? 

[Enter  CORDELIA  WESTLEY,  a  corset  manufacturer.  She 
is  very  charming  indeed — quite  charming  enough  to 
make  PHIPPS  entirely  forget  his  brief.  Under  one  arm 
she  carries  a  parcel.] 

CORDELIA 
[Sweetly.] 
Good  morning,  Mr.  Phipps. 

PHIPPS 
[Rising.] 

Good  morning.   Please  be  seated. 
[CORDELIA  sits  at  table.] 

PHIPPS 
[Gallantly.] 
What  can  I  do  for  you? 

CORDELIA 
I  wish  to  see  you — on  business. 

PHIPPS 

[To  Miss  DARLING.] 
You  may  go,  Miss  Darling. 

{Exit  Miss  DARLING,  her  nose  in  the  air.] 

PHIPPS 

[Rubbing    his    hands,    and  in  his  most  professional 
manner.] 
And  now,  Madam? 


12  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

CORDELIA 

Mr.  Phipps,  I've  made  an  invention,  so  I  came  to  you  for 
a  patent. 

PHIPPS 

I  am  glad  to  meet  you,  Madam.  Who  was  so  kind  as  to 
recommend  me? 

CORDELIA 

Oh — nobody.  I  saw  your  advertisement  in  the  telephone 
book — it  was  the  largest  there,  so  no  recommendation  was 
necessary,  was  it? 

PHIPPS 

[With  delicate  modesty,  and  mentally  noting  to  take 
two  whole  pages  in  next  year's  telephone  book.] 
Well— hardly. 

CORDELIA 
[In  a  tense  voice.] 

Mr.  Phipps,  if  I  tell  you  what  my  invention  is,  will  you 
promise  to  keep  it  secret? 

PHIPPS 
Certainly. 

CORDELIA 
On  your  word  of  honor? 

PHIPPS 
Surely. 

CORDELIA 
Do  you  swear  it? 

PHIPPS 

[Raises  his  hand.] 
I  swear! 

CORDELIA 

[Gets  up  and  peeps  behind  the  screen  in  the  rear  of 
room.  She  then  peeps  through  both  doors.] 


LAWRENCE    LANGNER  13 

Please  excuse  me.  I'm  afraid  of  someone  eavesdropping.  I 
once  read  in  the  Saturday  Evening  Post  that  nine  valuable 
inventions  out  of  every  ten  are  stolen. 

PHIPPS 

You  need  have  no  fear,  madam.  This  is  a  reputable  firm. 
Not  a  single  member  of  my  staff  has  sufficient  intelligence 
to  steal  an  invention  successfully. 

CORDELIA 

I'm  so  glad.    And  now  you've  given  your  word  of  honor, 

I'll  show  you  my  invention. 

[She  unwraps  the  parcel  she  carries,  and  produces  a 
complicated  looking  corset.  It  has  a  great  number  of 
corners,  and  a  string  appears  to  grow  from  each  of 
these.] 

CORDELIA 

[Holding  it  up  by  one  of  the  strings.] 
There  it  is — what  do  you  think  of  it? 

PHIPPS 
Why — what  is  it? 

CORDELIA 
It's  a  corset.   Haven't  you  ever  seen  a  corset  before? 

PHIPPS 
[Relieved.] 
Oh — a  corset — why,  of  course — how  stupid  of  me. 

CORDELIA 
You  never  saw  one  like  that,  though. 

PHIPPS 
No — on  looking  it  over,  I  can't  say  that  I  have. 

CORDELIA 
Of  course  not.    It's  quite  new. 

PHIPPS 
Indeed?  May  I  ask  what  are  its  novel  features? 


14  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

CORDELIA 

Well — it's  really  entirely  novel.  Mr.  Phipps,  do  you  know 
much  about  corsets? 

PHIPPS 

[Embarrassed.] 

I  can't  say  that  I  do — I  have  never  made  a  special  study  of 
the  subject — I  mean,  I  have  not  come  into  contact  with 
many  corsets.  No !  No !  That  is  .... 

[He  stops,  confused.] 

CORDELIA 

You  know  that  there  are  fashions  in  corsets,  just  like  any 
thing  else  for  women? 

PHIPPS 
Yes,  I  seem  to  remember  that — faintly. 

CORDELIA 

Well,  then,  I  don't  have  to  tell  you  that  last  season,  flat 
fronts  were  in. 

PHIPPS 
Flat  fronts  were  in?  I  don't  quite  understand  you,  madam. 

CORDELIA 

I  mean,  all  fashionable  women  wore  corsets  which — well, 
pulled  in  at  the  front. 

PHIPPS 
Oh,  yes.  Of  course ;  how  foolish  of  me  not  to  have  noticed  it. 

CORDELIA 

Now,  last  year,  hips  were  entirely  out.  This  year,  they're  in 
again. 

PHIPPS 
They're  in  again  ? 

CORDELIA 

That  means,  the  corset  doesn't  press  in  at  the  hips.  Of 
course,  a  stout  woman  would  naturally  pull  in  at  the  hips, 
even  now,  but  a  thin  woman  would  want  to  let  out  this 
season.  Do  you  understand  that? 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  15 

PHIPPS 
I  have  a  little  knowledge  of  biology.    That  helps  some. 

CORDELIA 

Every  woman,  before  the  invention  of  my  corset,  has  been 
a  slave  to  fashion.  Each  season  she  has  had  to  buy  a  new 
corset,  according  to  what  everybody  else  is  wearing.  But 
my  corset  frees  her.  That  is  why  I  call  it  the  ''Liberator.'' 
Can  I  get  a  patent  on  that  name? 

PHIPPS 
You  can  get  a  trademark. 

CORDELIA 

Well,  what  I  want  is  a  patent.  What  do  I  have  to  do  to  get 
a  patent? 

PHIPPS 

My  charge  for  a  patent,  including  one  sheet  of  drawings, 
is  seventy-five  dollars. 

CORDELIA 
[Surprised.] 

Seventy-five  dollars!  But  a  friend  of  mine,  whose  uncle 
once  invented  something  or  other  that  had  to  do  with  ma 
chinery — perhaps  you  know  him — he  said  a  patent  only 
costs  fifty  dollars. 

PHIPPS 

That  all  depends.  There  would  be  considerable  work  in  de 
scribing  this.  That  is  what  counts. 

CORDELIA 
[Aghast.] 
Do  you  have  to  describe  it? 

PHIPPS 
Of  course. 

CORDELIA 
Then  how  can  I  keep  it  a  secret  before  I  get  a  patent  i 

PHIPPS 

The  law  requires  it — besides,  only  the  Patent  Office  Ex 
aminer  will  see  it. 


16  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

CORDELIA 
Is  he  to  be  trusted  ? 

PHIPPS 

Of  course.  He  is  paid  a  high  salary  by  the  Government,  so 
as  never  to  be  tempted  to  do  anything  dishonest. 

CORDELIA 

Very  well.  I'll  take  one  patent  and  one  trademark.  Do  I 
pay  when  I  get  them? 

PHIPPS 

It  is  my  custom  to  require  the  payment  of  fees  in  advance, 
Madam.  The  custom  of  the  profession,  of  course. 

CORDELIA 
Very  well. 

[She  opens  purse  and  discloses  a  large  roll  of  bills, 
which  plainly  arouses  PHIPPS'  cupidity.] 

PHIPPS 

[Eying  the  rolL] 

And  how  about  foreign  patents?  I  should  think  your  in 
vention  would  go  very  well  in  England,  Canada,  France, 
Germany,  Austria,  Norway,  Sweden,  Denmark,  Italy,  Russia, 
Spain,  Portugal,  Argentine,  Brazil,  Chile — and  China. 

CORDELIA 
Splendid !   Can  I  get  patents  in  all  those  countries  ? 

PHIPPS 
Easily. 

CORDELIA 
I  think  I'll  take  those,  too. 

PHIPPS 
I  left  out  the  Fiji  Islands. 

CORDELIA 
The  Fiji  Islands?   They  don't  wear  corsets  there,  do  they? 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  17 

PHIPPS 

Not  yet.  I  should  imagine  they've  been  waiting  for  a  really 
good  corset  to  come  along.  It  ought  to  be  an  excellent 
market. 

CORDELIA 
I  will  think  it  over. 

PHIPPS 

Very  well.  And  now,  will  you  please  explain  how  the  cor 
set  is  used? 

CORDELIA 

You  see  this  string  here  ?  Now  this  goes  on  here,  and  passes 
through  there. 

PHIPPS 
Through  there? 

CORDELIA 
And  then  down  and  out. 

PHIPPS 
Down  and  out?   How's  that? 

CORDELIA 

You've  got  the  wrong  string.    It's  this  one — hold  it. 
[PHIPPS  takes  it.] 

CORDELIA 

Now,  give  me  your  hand.  Bring  that  string  under  here. 
I'm  afraid  I  can't  show  it  to  you  this  way.  I'll  have  to  put 
it  on. 

[CORDELIA  takes  off  her  coat.} 
PHIPPS 
[Alarmed.] 

Don't  you  think  you'll  be  able  to  manage — without  going 
any  further? 

CORDELIA 

Oh,  I  don't  mind.  I've  been  in  the  corset  business  so  long, 
you  know. 


18  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

PHIPPS 
There's  a  screen  there,  if  you'd  like 

CORDELIA 
Very  well. 

[She  goes  behind  screen,  and  soon  reappears  wearing 
her  corset,] 

CORDELIA 
Now  you  will  be  able  to  understand  it,  Mr.  Phipps. 

PHIPPS 

[In  his  happiest  manner.] 

It's  much  easier  to  appreciate  the  effect  of  an  invention, 
when  one  sees  it  in  use. 

CORDELIA 

Now  the  beauty  of  this  corset  is  that  it  can  be  accommo 
dated  to  all  kinds  of  fashions — for  instance,  Mr.  Phipps, 
suppose  I  want  a  flat  front.  I  just  pull  on  these  two  strings 
— so — tie  them  here,  and  there  you  are ! 

PHIPPS 

[Taking  pad  of  paper.] 
So  that's  what  you  call  a  flat  front.    Is  that  old  in  itself  ? 

CORDELIA 
Oh,  yes ;  flat  fronts  are  old. 

PHIPPS 
Then  we  must  patent  it  as  a  combination. 

CORDELIA 
A  combination?   No.    That's  a  different  thing  entirely. 

PHIPPS 
That  is  what  7  call  a  combination,  madam. 

CORDELIA 

You're  entirely  mistaken,  Mr.  Phipps.  Perhaps  you  are 
thinking  of  a  corset  cover? 

PHIPPS 
No.    We  term  it  legally — a  patentable  combination. 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  19 

CORDELIA 

Ah! — I  see.  Now,  this  year,  Mr.  Phipps,  waists  are  high, 
fronts  in,  hips  out  and  backs  flat.  First  of  all,  we  get  the 
waist  high  by  tying  this  string;  then  we  pull  the  front  in 
by  these  short  strings  here,  we  let  the  hips  out  by  unlacing 
here  at  the  sides,  and  pull  the  back  in  on  these  cords  which 
tie  at  the  back.  I'll  tie  them  to  show  you. 

[She  reaches  behind  and  tries  to  tie  them.} 

Would  you  mind  tying  them,  Mr.  Phipps  ? 

[PHIPPS  tries  to  do  so.] 

That  flat  back  is  quite  my  own  idea.  No  other  corset  can 
give  it.  What  do  you  think  of  it? 

PHIPPS 
I  don't  know.   I'm  really  not  a  good  judge. 

CORDELIA 
Can't  you  tie  it? 

PHIPPS 
Not  exactly 

[There  is  a  commotion  outside.  The  door,  left,  is  sud 
denly  thrown  open.  Enter  MRS.  PHIPPS,  a  stout, 
matronly  lady  of  some  fifty  summers.] 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
Aeron,  what  are  you  doing? 

PHIPPS 
My  dear,  what's  the  matter? 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
I  said — what  are  you  doing? 

PHIPPS 
I'm  just  giving  this  lady  a  flat  back. 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

A  flat  back !  Oh,  you  base  deceiver.  This  is  why  you  were 
too  busy  to  take  lunch  with  me !  I  see  through  it  all. 

PHIPPS 
My  dear,  this  lady  is  a  client  of  mine. 


20  PATENT   APPLIED   FOR 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

Don't  lie  to  me,  Aeron  Phipps.  If  you  had  clients  like  that, 
you'd  never  leave  your  business.  I  know  you  of  old.  I 
shall  demand  a  separation  immediately. 

PHIPPS 
Let  me  explain 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
You  can  explain  in  the  Divorce  Court. 

[Exit  MRS.  PHIPPS.  PHIPPS  rushes  after  her.  CORDELIA 
sits  on  chair,  opens  the  bottle  of  rat  killer,  and  smells 
it.  She  seems  about  to  drink  some,  but  changes  her 
mind.  Enter  MRS.  PHIPPS.] 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
Where  is  my  husband? 

CORDELIA 
He  left  here  a  moment  after  you. 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
Have  you  no  sense  of  shame? 

CORDELIA 
To  whom  do  you  imagine  you  are  talking? 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

Women  like  you  are  not  fit  to  live.  Before  he  met  you,  my 
husband  Aeron  was  a  man  without  vice. 

CORDELIA 
He  looks  like  a  bore. 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

He  might  have  been  a  bore,  but  at  least  he  was  a  decent 
bore. 

CORDELIA 

I'm  not  at  all  interested  in  an  insignificant  creature  like 
your  husband. 


LAWRENCE  LANGNER  21 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

You  brazen  wretch;  how  dare  you  say  such  things  to  me? 
[Enter  PHIPPS.] 

PHIPPS 
Oh,  here  you  are.   My  dear,  it's  all  a  mistake. 

CORDELIA 
[Cuttingly.] 
Who  is  this  woman? 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
Woman  ?  How  dare  you  call  me  a  woman  ?  You  hussy,  you ! 

CORDELIA 
[To  PHIPPS.] 

You  allow  me  to  be  insulted  in  your  own  office?  Is  that  the 
way  for  a  lawyer  to  treat  his  client? 

PHIPPS 
I  can't  help  it !   I'm  going  crazy ! 

CORDELIA 
I'm  not  going  to  stay  here  another  moment. 

[She  puts  on  her  long  coat  and  buttons  up  the  collar.} 
I  see  through  this  whole  affair.  That  woman  there  came 
here  to  steal  my  invention.  I  shall  report  the  whole  matter 
to  the  police  immediately. 

[Exit  CORDELIA,] 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

Good  riddance!  And  now,  Aeron  Phipps,  I'm  going  to 
shame  you  before  the  whole  town.  I'll  report  the  matter  to 
the  Patent  Law*  Association  immediately !  I'll  sue  you  for 
a  divorce !  I'll  have  you  disbarred !  I'll  ruin  your  practice ! 
And  when  you're  bankrupt,  I'll  sue  you  for  alimony !  That'll 
teach  you  a  lesson! 

{Exit  MRS.  PHIPPS  in  a  high  dudgeon.    PHIPPS  falls 
limp  and  exhausted  in  a  chair.   Enter  JOHNSON.] 

JOHNSON 
Mr.  Bangs  wants  to  see  you,  sir. 


22  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

PHIPPS 

[In  a  cold,  hollow  voice.} 
What  does  he  want? 

JOHNSON 

He  wants  his  bottle  of  rat-killer — and  he  says  if  you'll  give 
him  just  one  second  of  your  time 

PHIPPS 

[In  the  same  strange  voice.} 
Ask  him  in. 

JOHNSON 
I  can't,  sir. 

PHIPPS 
Why  not? 

JOHNSON 
I  just  shot  him,  sir. 

PHIPPS 
[Relieved,} 
Johnson,  you  are  improving. 

JOHNSON 
Thank  you,  sir.   What  shall  we  do  with  the  body  ? 

PHIPPS 

File  it  away  with  the  rest  of  his  papers,  and  mark  the  out 
side  of  the  wrapper  "Abandoned." 

JOHNSON 
Very  well,  sir. 

[Exit  JOHNSON,  enter  Miss  DARLING.] 

Excuse  me,  sir,  I  can't  read  my  notes.    Did  you  say  "nut" 
or  did  you  say  "mutt"? 

PHIPPS 
N — NUT — nut — nut — nut — do  vou  understand  me? 


LAWRENCE    LANGNER  23 

Miss  DARLING 
[Retreating.] 
Thank  you,  sir. 

PHIPPS 

[Dramatically.] 

I  can  stand  this  no  longer.  What  does  life  hold  for  me? 
Endless  specifications,  millions  of  claims  and  oceans  of  tes 
timony.  Shall  I  die?  Supposing  I  should  find  a  patent 
system  in  Heaven?  No — that  can't  be!  In  death,  at  least, 
I  shall  find  peace. 

[He  raises  the  bottle  of  rat-poison  to  his  lips,  drinks 
and  dies,  with  a  smile  on  his  face.  Enter  Miss  DAR 
LING.  She  rushes  to  his  side,  and  sees  that  he  is  dead.] 

Miss  DARLING 

Mr.  Johnson!  Mr.  Johnson!  Come  quickly!  Mr.  Phipps 
is  dead. 

[Enter  JOHNSON,  who  examines  him.} 

JOHNSON 

He  sure  is  dead,  all  right.  [Smells  bottle  of  rat-killer.} 
Gee,  that  must  have  been  awful  bad  whiskey  he  was  drink 
ing.  Why,  Miss  Darling,  you're  crying. 

Miss  DARLING 

[Between  her  sobs.] 

I  can't  help  it.  What  a  fine  man  he  was,  Mr.  Johnson !  How 
noble  he  looked  as  he  walked  around  the  office,  the  setting 
sun  shining  over  his  shoulder,  dictating  away  for  hours  at 
a  time.  What  a  great  brain  he  had,  Mr.  Johnson;  equally 
at  home  he  was,  with  a  spinning  machine  or  a  door  knob. 

[Enter  MRS,  PHIPPS  and  CORDELIA.] 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
[Sweetly.] 
It  was  stupid  of  me  to  have  made  such  a  mistake. 

CORDELIA 
Don't  mention  it.   Let  me  show  you  the  corset. 

[She  opens  her  coat.    MRS.  PHIPPS  is  all  curiosity.] 


24  PATENT  APPLIED  FOR 

JOHNSON 

I'm  sorry  to  interrupt  you,  madam,  but  your  husband  is 
dead. 

MRS.  PHIPPS 
[Calmly.] 

Is  he?  [Goes  over  to  chair  and  examines  PHIPPS'  body.} 
Poor  dear,  so  he  is. 

CORDELIA 
[Sympathetically.} 
Isn't  that  too  bad ! 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

He  seems  to  be  quite  dead,  poor  fellow.  I  hardly  ever  saw 
him,  you  know.  He  was  always  going  down  to  Washington 
or  New  York  or  somewhere.  Patent  law  is  a  hard  busi 
ness But  please  go  on  telling  me  about  your  corset. 

CORDELIA 

Very  well — I'll  explain  about  the  flat  back.  But  hadn't  we 
better  come  around  to  my  place,  so  that  I  can  fit  you  ? 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

Of  course.  Johnson,  take  care  of  Mr.  Phipps'  funeral  and 
see  he  is  given  a  decent  burial. 

JOHNSON 
Very  well,  madam. 

MRS.  PHIPPS 

Oh — and  you  might  let  me  know  what  time  to  be  there. 
[Exit  MRS.  PHIPPS  and  CORDELIA.] 

Miss  DARLING 
[Sobbing.} 
I  am  the  only  one  that  appreciated  him — poor  Mr.  Phipps. 

CURTAIN 


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DUE  AS  STAMPED  BELOW 

°CT  141997 


2,000(11/95) 


N9  847853 


Langner,  L. 

Patent  applied  for, 


PS3523 

A592 

P3 


LI  BR ARY 

UNIVERSITY    OF    CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


;    - 


